Your Life After Death

Written for Funeralcare magazine, September 2018

I’m surprised at how many dead friends I have.

Not those whose friendship is Facebook-only, but those who have actually departed the mortal coil and are still on Facebook. I know this sounds crazy, but it doesn’t seem right to unfriend them just because they’re dead.

Margaret’s and Sylvia’s accounts have been “de-activated”, and I am told that only I can see them. (Cue hair standing on end and Haley Joel Osment peering at me through tear-filled eyes.) I am invited to unfriend them. Well, OK. As long as no-one’s watching.

Jill was the Facebook voice of her family. Since her death just a couple of months ago, husband Gary has created a private group for friends and family to post to. This has given us a forum not only to share our grief, but to keep in touch with each other now that our central cog is gone. Jill’s profile has been “memorialised” rather than deleted, her name appearing with the word “Remembering” next to it. We can still leave messages on her page.

Mary has gradually lost most of her friends in the six years since her death. Some of her friends – obviously not very close ones – don’t appear to know she’s dearly departed. Her page isn’t maintained, just gathering dust to dust.

Sue has been gone nine years. Throughout the year, but especially on her birthday and the anniversary of her death, friends leave messages on her timeline. Her page is maintained by her husband George. I leave messages for both of them. “Love you! Love you too, George.” George has a somewhat quirky sense of humour. He’s been known to post “Let me out, I’m DYING in here” and it’s not hard to imagine Sue snorting with laughter over the comment.

Four varied scenarios, as different from each other as their subjects were in life. Our digital lives after death are no more one-size-fits-all than our choice of send-off.

We advise families on all sorts of things that could or should be done on the death of a loved one. Helpful checklists suggest cancelling driver’s licenses, passports, automatic payments, store cards, mail (the old-fashioned variety). What about the record of every place you’ve been, every message sent and received, calendar appointment made, YouTube video watched, song listened to, photo posted, and comment liked? Deleting this digital footprint is not as straightforward, either in practical terms, or emotional ones.

Emotionally, it can feel as if you are erasing memories, or even the person’s very existence. It’s natural to want to leave ripples – to know that one life has affected other lives. A continuing online presence is a new form of memorialisation. It might be the only peg in the ground when there has been no formal funeral or there is no cemetery to visit. What we do need to consider though, is ensuring the ripples don’t become a tsunami of unmanaged information which could be misappropriated. Identity theft is easier to prevent than undo.

Practically, the sheer volume of data stored online scares most of us witless. But there is a way to rein it in. To do your friends and family a favour before you check out, check these out:

Choose a legacy contact

Choosing a trusted friend to manage your digital footprint is like choosing the executor who will manage your physical estate. The executor of your digital estate is known as a “legacy contact”.

Keep a password vault

How many online accounts do you have? Banking, shopping, software, utilities, email, streaming services, social media, travel, health. Get them organised into a password vault like LastPass or LogMeOnce. The paid versions of most password managers allow you to identify a legacy contact and step you through how the legacy process works.

Manage your Facebook information

Click the arrow at the top right of any Facebook page and select Settings. On the left hand side of the Settings page, select Your Facebook information. You can view, download, manage and delete your information here. To add a legacy contact, Select General, then Manage Account. Facebook has a comprehensive help section to guide you through the process.

Manage your Google data

Find all your Google data in one place – bookmarks, contacts, calendars, maps, email, YouTube. For a summary of your data, go to myaccount.google.com. To download or archive your data, go to takeout.google.com.

Manage your Microsoft information

To view and manage the information Microsoft holds about you - browsing and search history, location data, products and services including LinkedIn and Skype – go to account.microsoft.com/privacy