Unplug.

Written for Funeralcare Magazine, December 2016

Things have been a little stressful around here.

I’m trying to be mindful, but living in the moment sucks. The only solace is in daydreaming of a present anywhere but here. The phone goes so often that I think I hear it ringing when it’s not. My colleagues also. To add insult to injury, says one, there’s a bird in his neighbourhood that mimics it.

We talk about putting ourselves first, as an act not of self-love but of self-preservation. I need to pull the sheets up over my own head for a change. But the phone rings again. And again. It feels like Groundhog Day. And if one more person tells me how much they’re looking forward to their Xmas break I’m going to scream.

I google “stress management”. And it provides one of the best belly laughs I’ve had for a day or two. It says “Unplug. Switch off the phone.”

Well, clearly, that’s not an option. I’ve got another idea. What about using the technology as a stress management tool? Turns out there are a huge number of resources to help you do just that, but listing them all would raise my stress levels and yours. There is even a whole movement called Techno-spirituality. Geek heaven! Who knew?

I soon ended up in an agony of information overload. To help you navigate the minefield, I’ve chosen six stepping stones: stay positive, visualise, enjoy music, meditate, exercise, breathe.

1. Stay positive

Laughter lowers stress hormone levels, so here’s a few mood adjustment places to visit:

Make Everything OK is a magic button available on the web (make-everything-ok.com) or as a free smartphone app for iPhone or Android. If nothing else, the English translation of the apps function on Google Play might stimulate mirth.

If you have an iPhone ask Siri for help. There are some great starter questions on Stuff You Couldn’t Make Up (www.sycmu.com), along with a heap of other, well, stuff.

If you’re into Motivational Quotes, try momentumdash.com - an extension to your Chrome web browser that makes you forget why you opened your web browser in the first place. If you’re into Demotivational Quotes, try despair.com.

2. Visualise

Speaking of despair, are you stuck in the office with no leave planned? Best you head off on a two minute mini-vacation. Picture a peaceful scene... no? No imagination left? Head over to Calm (www.calm.com). I think it’s a good site, but I’ve never got past the initial calming image.

More places to dream of can be found at Pexels (videos.pexels.com) – the videos are free to download and use.

3. Music

Enjoy music for free on your computer or smartphone. You can find almost anything on YouTube (www.youtube.com) or Spotify (www.spotify.com/nz). This particular piece never fails for me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGhmn2i4DBU, even if you’re not a fan of The King.

Now imagine if your favourite piece was “How Great Thou Art” or “Time To Say Goodbye”. How happy would YOU be in your work.

4. Meditate

Twenty minutes of uninterrupted quiet time? Bliss! Only got 5 minutes? Have I got a deal for you.

Buddhify is a smartphone app designed for people who are interested in mindfulness but have never found a convenient way to fit it into their lives. Whether you have 4 minutes or half an hour, Buddhify is a brilliant way to use your wait time.

Headspace brings together a variety of tools that can be accessed online, offline or on a smartphone (www.headspace.com).

Meditation Time is a simple and effective smartphone app for iPhone/iPad. You can use it as either a meditation timer, or a mindfulness bell. Or try Insight Timer, rated as the top free meditation timer for both Android or iOS. Best use headphones to avoid stressing your colleagues out.

5. Exercise

A 10-minute walk on a beach or in a park puts your mind into meditative state known as involuntary attention – where something holds your attention but simultaneously allows for reflection. To get yourself up and at ‘em, there are any number of wearable fitness trackers that can prompt you to move if you’ve been sitting on your chuff for too long, and throw a mini-party on your wrist when you reach your daily goals. Check out TomTom, Jawbone, Garmin and Fitbit to name a few.

Don’t want to wear your technology? My Fitness Pal (www.myfitnesspal.com) has a database of over 350 exercises, and smartphone apps for Android and iOS. Simpler still is Map My Walk (www.mapmywalk.com/nz).

6. Breathe

All sounding too much? Take a deep breath. If you’ve forgotten how to breathe – yes, you in the corner with the blue face - check out:

Breathe2Relax is a smartphone app for Android and iOS which uses touch-screen technology to record stress levels and guide breathing using graphics, animation, narration, and videos.

Belly Bio is a smartphone breathing app for iOS which uses the phone itself to sense and give you feedback on your breathing. Lie down and put the phone on your stomach. (If you can put your phone on your stomach without lying down, go back to #5). Once your breathing is in the right rhythm, it plays music – satisfying also #3 above, which for me also leads to a fit of giggles, satisfying #1.

And if none of the above works? Do what my colleague with the phone-bird did and take matters into your own hands. It was the end of another long day. “I’ve had enough”, said he, “and I’m off to buy a gun”. We supportively voiced our need to reduce the body count and not add to it. He raised an eyebrow. “I’m going to shoot that %*@#! bird.”