Necessity: the mother of re-invention

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“When she died, a part of me died too.”

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We hear this comment from time to time, and have probably felt it too. It describes a sense of loss, not only of our loved one, but of our relationship with them.

That relationship needs to be redefined. On the death of someone who features large in your life, you need to re-invent yourself. Your status has altered, and oftentimes your label: Wife to widow, child to orphan.

The funeral has a role in assisting with that change of status, and in reinforcing that change amongst those who have gathered to grieve. It is instrumental in the development of a new self-identity. It helps us to reorient ourselves, and make the transition from life before the death, to life after the death.

Death disrupts relationships and social networks, and the funeral can assist in recreating and reestablishing ties between family, friends and colleagues. The death of a group member alters the dynamics of the group and their shoes must be either filled or removed.

The funeral is a catalyst for change through considered reference to the passage of time. Acknowledging that time takes on an altered quality for the bereaved, she encourages us to consider past, present and future. The past, reflecting on the life of the deceased and our relationship with them; the present experience of grief and the isolation it brings; and eventually optimism for the future and what life has yet to bring.

While change is an overt value of the funeral, it is often also an unintended consequence of it, resulting from the renewal of family ties and reunion of social groups.

There are three phases in the grief journey which the funeral can help with - separation, transition, and incorporation. Separation of the deceased from the bereaved is an obvious part of the funeral as a whole. Separation of the bereaved from the wider community has also occurred at the time of the death, and the funeral has an important value in reintegrating the mourner with the community.

This transition phase is also significant in encouraging a diminishing relationship with the deceased. The disposition of the body by burial or cremation encourages us to picture the deceased in a new state of existence.

Incorporation? That's where re-invention comes in. Your changed status is recognised, and accepted, by your family, your friends, and your community. An important next step in the journey that is grief.