Reality Check

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Grief is not something you overcome,

it is something you experience.

Alan Wolfelt, US author and grief counsellor

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The first step on the journey of grief is to accept the reality, and the finality, of the death.

We need to understand the death intellectually, to “get our heads around it”, before we can experience it emotionally. We often hear family members speak of “feeling numb” until some time after the funeral. The emotional, or heart grieving is necessary to begin to let go of the person who has died. The move from intellectual understanding to the emotional experience of grief is also a vital first step in reconnecting with the living.

The process of arranging a funeral can help us with intellectual understanding by stepping us through the things we must do. From contacting a funeral director and choosing clothes, through to the many decisions we make in arranging the funeral service. In carrying out these tasks ourselves, we cannot avoid the reality of the death. Delegating all the responsibility to the funeral director may lead to detachment, and therefore delay grieving.

In the community I work in, such detachment is relatively rare, perhaps due to our high Maori population and the wide influence of that culture locally. Maori culture has a strong sociological mindset, and places value in spending time with the body of the deceased. Maori customarily dress their loved one and the healing power of this is abundantly evident in their mood once this is done.

Viewing of the body is often recommended as a way of reinforcing the reality of the death. Viewing the corpse is not always therapeutic however, and must remain a matter of personal choice. It does not necessarily make the message hit home. When my best friend died, I found it difficult to reconcile the bright and bubbly person with her lifeless corpse. I ran into a lady some weeks later who didn’t realise my friend had died. Instead of thinking she’d missed the news, I decided (albeit briefly) that she hadn’t died at all. Obviously the heart understanding wasn’t yet there.

To reinforce reality, the funeral should support the finality of death. The visual impact of having the casket present, and witnessing the disposition assists in this – ably summed up recently by a bereaved husband immediately following the burial of his wife, “Well, that was final.”

The finality so aptly communicated in that comment seemed almost brutal. And what happened then?

A friend put his arm around him, and let him know he wasn't alone.