Life. There's a lot to talk about.

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"A good funeral is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be.”

Thomas Lynch, US poet and undertaker

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Not all funerals achieve this goal. So, what makes a funeral good, and what makes a funeral not-so-good? Where is the value in a funeral?

A reflection of changing societal mores, the funeral of today is a very different affair to the funeral of fifteen or twenty years ago. It is more personalised, and less ritualised, than ever before. In contrast, more and more people are opting to forgo the funeral service. The focus becomes the disposal of the deceased – “according to their wishes”.

We have more “personal choice” than any other generation.

Church attendance has steadily declined in our lifetime, and personal religious affiliation has died with it. The world has become a smaller place, giving wider access to alternative religions and a new view of spirituality.

We are living longer, but less collegially. Community has been superseded by individuality. We often live a long way from where we grew up, and pride ourselves on being “self-sufficient”.

We embrace new things, and discard old things.

It is no wonder then, that we have, almost universally, rejected the traditional, generic funeral in favour of the highly personalised “life celebration”. But what causes the pendulum swing to the opposite extreme, the don’t-go-to-any-trouble-just-bury-me-in-a-cardboard-box view?

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“Nowadays people know the price of everything

and the value of nothing.”

Oscar Wilde

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It is hard to believe that Oscar Wilde originally penned those words in 1890, as they ring so true today. So, is the cost of the funeral causing us to lose sight of its value?

In her critique of the American funeral, Jessica Mitford cited cost as a reason to do away with the funeral. But to discard the funeral, rather than reform it would seem to be, as my grandmother would put it, “throwing out the baby with the bathwater.” While some funerals lack meaning, it is not true that, by extension, all funerals do. So what is the value of the funeral?

The value of a funeral is as personal and variable as the funeral itself. The degree of helpfulness depends upon the personal relevance and importance of culture, society, economy and religion. In short, it is of value when it meets the religious, social and psychological needs of the mourners.

There is value in offering a safe place to grieve both individually and communally; acknowledging the significance of the life of the deceased; and using symbols and ceremony to reinforce the reality of the death.

The loss of a loved one disconnects us from ourselves, and from the world around us. A meaningful funeral is vital to regaining our balance - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In short, it encourages us to grieve by recognising those things that help people on the journey that is grief. To experience grief instead of avoiding it, to express it rather than suppressing it, and to embrace life again by looking to the future rather than living that life in the past.

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“The funeral, done right, is vital to the healing of broken hearts.”

Doug Manning, US Writer

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